Do you ever just feel poorly about life? Like not a really sad or angry poorly or a sick poorly but just like almost a melancholy feeling of the word 'ugh'? Maybe it's just that this week has been incredibly long for it only to be a Wednesday, or I'm longing for Christmas break, or that the past few days have been below par, or that I actually haven't felt physically the best today, I just don't know.
Probably one of the major factors causing this feeling is my AP English class. The teacher has this mentality that the only right way is her way, which is by far one of the worst opinions you can have in the entire world. English is full of analysis and thought provoking questions that are going to be answered differently by each person depending on their background, what they've gone through in life, what they think about the universe. And to dictate that one learning approach is not acceptable over the other one is not okay. I strive to put a valiant effort into work that is intended to help me grow as a reader, writer, and person... not to please you. I don't understand why this concept is so hard to get through her head. I've never disliked English, it's been my favorite core class being it's my best subject. But thanks to her, this year I've been thinking otherwise. Teachers are suppose to encourage people on their learning paths and to keep them interested and learning in the subject they teach. Not turn them away from the subject completely. Now do I hate writing and reading because of her? No, but I sure as hell don't enjoy attending the class that leaves me with anxiety and enormous amounts of work. I really really tried to give her a chance, but I'm done.
I think the other explainable reason as to why I'm feeling the way I am is because over the past couple days I've been comparing myself to others. Not in a way that you would assume, like the "She has prettier hair than me," comparison, but in the "Oh my God why do you test better than me/score better than me/accomplish life better than me and don't even have to try to accomplish it all?" way. I've always been an A student. I work hard, do well with my studies, but when it comes to taking a standardized test I feel like the stupidest person in the world. My scores aren't horrid, but they aren't what I really want them to be, you know? I just get really nervous when test taking. I'm also the kind of person that, if I work at it, can memorize stupid information fairly simply but then forgets it as soon as it's no longer relevant to my life which sucks when you need to remember math from a lesson in the prior year. All of this wouldn't nearly matter as much though if I wasn't so curious and have to know what other people scored because then I get that little thought in my head that I'm not as good as them and that I'm stupid and this is where the vicious cycle starts. It shouldn't matter! Everyone is good at different things in life and my skill happens to not be test taking. I'm good at art, I'm not the worst writer on the planet, I've heard I'm not shabby with a camera, and English is my strongest subject, no matter if the teacher hates me or not. Some people are just really good test takers. What about you? What's your strengths, your weaknesses? I'll tell you a secret. I've been told about a book that talks about improving yourself in the work place or just at life in general and they say to always keep your main focus on improving your strengths in life. We're all different, so let those differences shine! Your strengths are what put you above the rest (in the most non-conceited way possible). We can't all be doctors. We can't all be artists, we can't all be mathematicians, or English majors, or cops, or engineers. We need variety in life. So why focus your time and effort into improving your weaknesses that may or may not benefit to the rest of your life when you could be using that time and energy perfecting your craft and doing the things that make you happy? Cause isn't that the ultimate goal? Aren't we all striving to live life to the fullest, happiest way possible so we don't wake up at fifty years old hating the career we're stuck in with goals left un-achieved and a mess of questions left unanswered? Now I'm not going to avoid working on taking standardized tests or quit trying to figure out chem forever because one of the things that makes me happy is the feeling of achievement. And I'll be honest, grades matter a ton to me, so good grades = a happy Belle. But if I work on those weaknesses and don't get the best results in the world, I'm not going to let it define how the rest of my life goes. It is what it is, you know? I hope someone out there understands. And hey, comments are fun (although I've never gotten one, so who really knows). Comment your strengths. Be proud of who you are, because there's only one you.
Oh! I almost forgot. I've reached over 500 views on my blog and I think that's pretty cool. Just knowing that someone out there is reading what goes on in my life is just so weird in a really good way. Thanks for anyone who's read it and who knows, maybe this whole thing will take off someday. Spread the word about Belle was here! (Fun self promo, YEAY!)
Bye for now,
-Belle xx
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